WTF is up with the man in the red hat?

(This is the last post I was working on prior to a serious interruption in my life – I’ll summarize that interruption as I had a little chest pain and when I asked for an appointment with my doctor their answer was “where is the nearest hospital?” That gets your attention.)

[Post originally scheduled for November 7, 2010, after the Illinois vs. Michigan football game in Ann Arbor, MI.]

I do not like The Man in the Red Hat. I do not like him in the Big House; I do not like him with a Big Mouse. I do not like him here or there, I do not like him anywhere.

Indeed, The Man in the Red Hat is the bane of my day. Who is this man? And why the red hat?

The Man in the Red Hat


I happened to be at a college football game today – one at which neither team’s defense appears to have been invited to the party. More on that later. Right now, let’s talk about The Man, The Man with the Red Hat.

It appears that this Man’s entire thing is to be a walking, talking rain delay. It’s merely a brief delay, but it interrupts the flow of the space-time continuum. He’s like a black hole.

Here’s The Man’s game: the football game is chugging along, play after play after play. Then one of the teams does something interesting – they score, the defense stops the other team, there’s a turnover, there’s a punt, …. The one team leaves the field and the other team comes onto the field. We’re ready to go but WHAT, nothing is happening? Hello? It’s time to play?

Nothing, just waiting around. The Man in the Red Hat is chatting up one of the referees, talking about, oh I don’t know, the weather, what they should get on their pizza after the game, who’s the President of Bolivia (it’s Evo Morales, in case you’re wondering). They have this important discussion, and then the referee GETS THE PERMISSION OF THE MAN IN THE RED HAT TO START PLAYING AGAIN! WTF? Who does this Man think he is?

This Man is very important (apparently – he knows the President of Bolivia) and can hold up the game with his diplomatic powers. I think, though, he actually is from the dark side – he represents the television networks. While you are watching a game in the comfort of your home, getting up during the commercial to get another bottle of beer or return the previous bottle of beer (axiom: you only rent beer), The Man in the Red Hat is standing on the field making life miserable for the 111,441 people in the Stadium waiting for a football game to be allowed to continue.

This is all happy if The Man only came on the field one time or once a quarter. But he doesn’t. Oh noooooo, he comes on about every 10 minutes or so when he gets a chance. STUPID MAN. He slows down the game. It’s rather frustrating.

So I’m at this game yesterday [EDIT: November 6, 2010] with 34 changes of possession and 132 points are scored over 4 quarters and 3 OTs, with my team losing on the last play of the game. And the damn Man in the Red Hat continued to get in the way. This game took a little bit over 4 hours, and I’m in the only section that didn’t get any sun! But The Man was in the sun, talking about broccoli or cauliflower on his pizza (neither of which has any business on a self-respecting pizza, but what would you expect from The Man in the Red Hat and his Bolivian brethren?), getting a real nice tan or whatever, continuing to make my life miserable.

I’m sad that my team lost, but I’m mad at The Man. I know, he’s just doing his job, but I still don’t like him.

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